Sunday, February 12, 2012

The day the training wheels came off

After 5 lessons, the day I had been waiting, praying and working toward finally happened. I skated!!! I went to my usual lesson in my new skates. I was in the beginners class AGAIN! I was doing my usual penguin waddle attempts and turns. It didn't feel much different from my other lessons as in I still felt very uneasy but determined today. I stopped myself and made myself take deep breaths and keep going. One of the parents said I looked more confident. The coach said I was rolling better today. I decided to stay after class for open skate to practice. It is the best time to skate!!! loved it! So before I went out again, I was resting, a little girl from class said that I looked good out on the rink. I just about cried. I went out on the rink and one of the coaches was talking to me and giving me to answers to questions I had about after I got rolling how to make it smoother. She helped me out and I was still very wobbling not quite skating. After going around the rink, I was tired. I went out and sat down to rest. I decided to give it another try. As I was on the carpeted area, I slipped and fell hard on my butt. I got up and prayed no one saw me. I got on the rink. (Normally, I would have just left and gone home). I went on the rink and that's when it happened. I started moving, I started to go faster and I fell! I got back up and went again. Then it hit, I am skating. I felt like I was going so fast. It was NOT graceful at all and I had a stupid big grin on my face. I realized I was finally skating. I fell many times, back to back. It didn't matter. I got up and did it again. I SKATED!!! I SKATED!!! I SKATED!!! I am 99% sure I looked just like kids who first get their training wheels taken off their bicycles. All wobbly and over the places but OVERJOYED!!! Now when have my private lessons on Tuesday, I hope for 2 things: 1) That I am not told that I am doing it all wrong 2) That I still skate and don't end up like that Broadway Frog when the frog was with the one guy would sing and dance but in front of the audience- NOTHING. I almost want to go skate again today to make sure it wasn't a fluke. I felt fast though. I am sure rolling on wheels does that for everyone, but I felt like I was fast!! Maybe next time I'll be able to include a video clip of the action. I need proof!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Maybe by the time I'm 40...

I'll finally skate. Ugh! I am having the hardest time. I have my new skates, which are BEAUTIFUL! I went to my private lesson yesterday. As soon as I got on the rink and they saw my new skates, they pulled me to the side to check them out. The trucks needed to be tightened and I learned that I can't lace my shoes worth CRAP! Felt like a kid for a few moments. It did make a difference though. I fell... TWICE but with my new knee pads it was like a dream. Just like falling on pillows. I am working on my knee bend and posture. I am stiff out there. Once I practiced where my knees should be, and hip placement and where the weight should be placed, I felt STABLE. But I also felt incredibly S-L-O-W. My thighs were burning from the bending and moving around the entire track. My husband stayed and watched the lesson. The overall feeling is that I NEED TO RELAX. How do I do that? ugh. It's like a fork in the road. Either I am going to relax enough and do this thing or I'm going to tense up and make things worse. I know that. I know that. I know that. But it's not changing anything. I'm so in my head. I feel like I am saying, "pick up your left foot, make sure you are marching, small steps, small steps, bend your knees, breathe, look up, hips" REPEAT. How do I just trust myself? I have given birth- 2 times without drugs. Surely I can skate. I don't know why the comparison except that I am stronger than I think I am and can do more than I thought I could do. Except skate apparently. I emailed my roller derby idol- Trigger Mortis from Assassination City Roller Derby. I heard her interview on Good Morning Texas and when she said she went from not skating and now skates competitively. I felt the skies part and sunshine break through. I felt hopeful. I need a roller derby friend. Someone in the know. ugh. Honestly, I need lots of prayer.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The day I cried

Today I needed to practice. I went to the rink wearing my "God loves Derby Girls" shirt and of course all my gear.

Ans comes to the rink to practice too. We about to do our slow laps when I see 3 derby ladies there.

I don't know what came over me but I felt so insecure and vulnerable. Here I am: 33, can't skate, wearing a derby shirt and padding. I felt like they were going to laugh at me. No reason, no logic.

It was the first time my eyes teared up and I wanted to run away and hide!

I get to the car after doing a half lap and call my best friend.

I BAWLED! I don't know what triggered it. I cried. I felt stupid.
what am I doing? Roller derby? I can't even skate. I am intimidated and can't make it through practice because of my fear of judgement.

I wish I personally knew someone who was in derby. Call them and ask if I am crazy. Am I realistic. Someone on the inside.

Nevertheless, a few minutes ago I scheduled another private lesson.

The tears have dried.

From the thoughts of a RDW